An Open Letter to My Car

Dear Car,  

Let’s be honest here.  We’re not friends, are we?  We don’t even really have a mutually beneficial relationship.  You get me places…most often, I’ll give you that much.  But in return, I give you gas, oil and other required body parts to keep you in shape.  Then you get upset and sputter about a pothole that we may have run through.  

I don’t like the complaining you do when I turn you off after returning home from work.  I know it’s been a tough day of sitting around in the parking lot at work and all, but could you at least not groan so much once the key is out of your ignition?  It sure would make me feel a lot better about the chances of you starting up the next morning.  See…if I can’t get to work, then I can’t continue to give you things that you like and need to survive.  So just remember that the next time you try teasing me about starting up.  

I remember back when we first met.  We were both a lot friendlier to each other.  I guess maybe you were just trying to impress me back then.  You can admit it.  I won’t completely blame you.  I realize that I probably don’t take care of you the way I should…but can you blame me?  You treat me so poorly.  Remember when we were driving home from work that one night, and you decided that while going uphill on a busy highway, you wanted to make your point by letting your engine cut out?  I was still quite a way from home at that point.  And it was cold.  And dark.  I guess we were both lucky that it was just a serpentine belt huh?  Lest you might still be sitting on the side of the highway near the Grand River.  

Oh, and you can stop glaring at me with that engine light.  I know you’ve got a slow emissions leak somewhere in you.  I’m just really pissed that the stupid people I got you from decided that they’d ignore my request to have that taken care of before my warranty ran out.  Oh, and you…you played along with them and just hid the glare until after the warranty ran out.  

While I’m being open about things…I might as well just say it.  We’ll be better off without each other.  You know it.  I know it.  But the thing is, we’re stuck with each other for a bit longer.  I can’t just give you up.  Unfortunately.  So really…just stop being so mean to me.  Just behave, and you and I can at least be civil to one another.  

With regards,

I know this isn't you...but this is how you make me feel. You evil, evil being. I think I've captured your hooves and devil's tail quite nicely, don't you think?


19 thoughts on “An Open Letter to My Car

  1. Haha, I know this story. Used to have an old VW bus. First she would break down in lovely places, like near the beach or in Portland, but then the magic started to fade and she blew her engine on I-80 in the blistering summer heat on the way to an important gig. That was it, I dumped her. Then I got an old Honda Civic for 100 bucks, what a bargain, but soon he turned into a ravenous repair monger, just one whiny, needy s.o.b. When he got so stinky that I couldn’t even get him smogged anymore, the state of California took him off the road for me, even paid me 500 bucks. I never looked back, now I’m just on my bike and walk. Whenever I need to get out of town I just rent.
    I have to say, it feels great to finally be single again. I’m not turning back. Ever. Free at last!

  2. LOL My wife just had to replace the starter on her old clunker so that she can get back and forth from the tech. college she attends. On the other hand I’m holding my breath since in the fall of 2008 I hit a deer on the way to work and totaled the Ford Taurus I was driving. Then in the fall of 2009 on a rainy day early in the morning in rush hour traffic as I was about to change lanes while I was checking out the blind spot on that side. The traffic in front of me came to a complete stop without any warning what so ever {you guessed it} so that the rear end of a pickup truck totaled out my wife’s Dewoo Leganza.

    • That just does not sound like a fun time, sir! None of those times! I’ve had the responsible-driver-checking-the-blind-spot-while-traffic-ahead-grinds-to-a-halt thing happen. Not fun. I’ve not yet been in that kind of an accident *knocking on wood* but it’s scary nonetheless…

    • Well…the relationship has to work for a bit longer anyway. Possibly a lot longer. I have another relationship with the car’s financing company that will be lasting another couple years regardless of my relationship with the car…sooooo…

  3. Ok. I’ve slept on it. I still feel it. Maybe even more. So I’m going to say it:

    I can’t believe this didn’t make FP but that same old worn out BS about tips did. “Ten Ways To (Seriously) Improve Your Writing”? Really?? And it didn’t even include a single thing about how not to split infinitives.

    You were robbed, once again.

    There. I said something mean and I’m not taking it back. 🙂

    • Oh HC…you slay me! Thank you for your kind words. I’ve given up on the whole FP thing. Especially today when I come across the “hidden boyfriend” post. Yesterday Ian commented on how someone got FP’ed because they had a picture of Tony Curtis and he just died. Ugh. Yeah, there’s no hope for me. 😉

      In any case, I’m happier when I find out that I’ve made people like you and my other readers laugh than if I was to reach a huge audience. That being said…yeah! I was robbed! Hehe…

  4. Pingback: Still Waiting | Massively Attacked

  5. Pingback: An Open Letter to the Postal Service | Massively Attacked

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