The Shape I’m In


I’ve been trying to write a post for a long time.  Putting pen to paper, figuratively speaking, has become an impossible task for me.

It probably doesn’t help that the topic of the post I’ve been trying to write has been my all-too-fragile mental state.  I find it easy to write anonymously on the internet.  But this wouldn’t have been anonymous.  This would have been akin to an expose, I suppose.  Well, that might be a little melodramatic.  I don’t tend to have a reference point these days for that sort of thing.

The point is that writing in general has been extremely difficult for me lately.  And my writing this now is not necessarily because things have changed; it’s more that someone else has written a really great account of far too many of the things I’ve been going through.  Rather than re-inventing the wheel at this point, I figured I would just link to the post.

Will I eventually write the post I’ve been meaning to write?

Yes.

Maybe.

I don’t know.

Until then, I think you should go read Allie’s posts on depression.  The first one…and the second.  It doesn’t matter if you don’t have depression.  Chances are, there is someone you know that does.  And that someone is also probably pretty good at hiding that fact.  And if they do open up to you, trust me…they don’t want to hear “Cheer up”, “this too shall pass” or any other contrived bullshit that people tend to come up with when they don’t know how to respond to what’s in front of them.  Not everyone who has depression can point to a singular cause or event that led them to feel the way they do.  Not everyone with depression will ever be able to just snap out of it and feel better.

Anyway, before I end up actually writing a really poorly written version of what I’ve been trying to write, just go and read the posts.

And I’ll just go back to dealing with life the best way I know how to – at least until that shrivelled up piece of corn appears.

It Ain’t Me, Babe


I keep getting e-mails from WordPress.

You’ve got new a new blog follower, Suzanne.  Wouldn’t you like to welcome them?

Yes, WordPress.  I would like to do that.  But I seem to have a severe case of “I don’t know what the $#@% to write about.

And also, I really don’t think I’m the person they’re looking for.  It’s not me.  They’re looking for someone else.

But, but there’s another new follower, Suzanne.  You should probably say something.

Really?  I mean, I really don’t know what to talk about.  There’s lots of stuff going on in my life, but hmm…is any of it really noteworthy?  I mean, I suppose some of my readers don’t know that my laptop died awhile back.  And it was just really frustrating writing on my desktop as it sits on a high microwave cart.  But luckily I just recently got a new laptop.

Course, I also got Skyrim, so there goes any motivation to do any writing.  There’s dragons falling out of the sky on my character to fight.  I don’t have time to write anything on my blog.

But Suzanne, you have yet another follower.  I really think you should do something about this.

Sigh.

Yes.  Yes, I should.

And one more thing, Suzanne.  You have received an award from a fellow blogger.  Perhaps you should consider thanking him.  And accepting the award.

Yes, I know I should.  And I will.

But for now, I will take a moment to say thanks to my new subscribers.  And thanks to my old subscribers.  And thanks for the award.  And perhaps I should take yet another four month hiatus to see what else will come my way…?

No.  No no, I promise that I will be back writing again.  After all…New Year’s resolution time is coming up.  What better resolution to break make than to write more blog posts?

Not An Addict: One Nerdy Woman’s Secret Journey into the Realm of FanFiction


Around 391 BC, Plato postulated the first law of affinity – likes tend towards likes.  Basically, things that are similar are drawn towards one another.  So when you’re a nerd, that doesn’t exactly bode well for your image.  Thank goodness nerd-dom is becoming cool (thank you Big Bang Theory, despite how terrible you are)…or at least maybe not as uncool as it was.  Because I’m running my snowball ass down a mountain full of fresh powder, and it’s starting to become an avalanche.

Only if it’s Code Red Mountain Dew…

It’s bad enough that I started out a nerd at an early age – I attended the enrichment education class during elementary school.  In high school, I was not only on the United Nations debating team, but also “Reach for the Top”…you know…like Jeopardy for teenagers.  I’m a huge fan of science fiction and fantasy stories.  Not to mention that one of the jobs that put me through university was as a computer lab advisor – basically a computer nerd that helped out the non-nerds with their technical difficulties.  My stint as a teaching assistant proved that one’s own enthusiasm for the subject of geography can be the equivalent of wearing those coke bottle glasses and a pocket protector.  A number of years ago, Ian convinced me to try role-playing games.  Yeah…like Dungeons and Dragons style role-playing games.  I’ve most recently played them on the PS3 and tabletop.  You’ve heard the rumours of my obsession with Dragon Age:  Origins and now Dragon Age II.  The thought of an alien invasion of Earth tickles me pink.  And Ian and I have already prepared our zombie apocalypse defense plan – now adapted for Nunavut.

So what could possibly be left for me?

Isn’t it obvious?  Being a fangirl is progressively the next logical step.  And so it began.  The downward spiral into the world of fanfiction.

I swear.  I tried to avoid it for the longest time.  I really thought it was a sad excuse for people who really didn’t have anything interesting to write about.  That fanfiction authors were rabid pre-teen girls obsessed with anime hairstyles and no ability to spell or grammar check.  I cringe thinking at how talentless these people must obviously be if they need to rely on other people’s characters to tell a story.  And I admit, there are definitely those types of individuals lurking on the fanfiction sites out there.  You can usually tell them by their inability to put more than two full words together into a sentence.  Unfortunately their ability to tell a story is limited by their extensive vocabulary of txt-spk.  However, the sheer number of authors out there with amazing stories to tell, and extensive character development is amazing.

This fan art piece by Aimo, an incredibly talented sketch artist, pretty much sums it all up. Click on this…go to see her work! Seriously!

So what made me turn to fanfiction, you ask?  I’m not entirely too sure.  I know it was related to my time playing Dragon Age:  Origins – which, by the way, is a fantastic rpg full of violence, sex and an incredible story.  I think I was struggling with a particularly difficult character decision…or perhaps a boss that I was having trouble defeating.  I had probably done some online searching for a walkthrough or some advice from those who had already passed that point in the game, and came across a story or two.  I know I read a couple of really great pieces by some authors about a year or so ago, but then lost interest.

Enter Dragon Age II.  The sequel to the game that had already stolen a year of my life was released, and I wasn’t about to not play it.  And so I did.  And boy, oh boy…if I thought the first game was tragic…the sequel dwarfed it.  There are many ways you can play the game…changing your appearance, sex, character class, which groups you side with or work for, characters you choose to keep with you or leave behind, romances you choose to involve yourself in.  At its most tragic, you can lose every family member you have through the course of the game; you can fall in love with a possessed man who will commit an act of terrorism and force you to choose to spare him and make him leave, make him fight by your side…or make him a martyr.  Not to mention that decision has to be made split second.  What if I make the wrong choice?  Yes, I know it’s a game…but this is a game that reels you in emotionally.  It’s not a game that gives you a happy ending.  At all.  So what could I do?  Where could I fill in the gaps in the story that I didn’t want to end?  Where could I find my answers???

Why…I could turn to fanfiction!  Of course!  And turn there I did.

I read and read and read.  The good…the bad…the…WTF?!?  As much as I could.  And it still wasn’t enough.  I needed to do more.  I needed to let out what was inside of me ripping at the backs of my eyeballs.  I needed to write my own fanfiction.  Because apparently being a nerd isn’t quite enough for me.  I need to step into the realm of ubernerd.  Awesome.

You too can determine your nerdicity with a Venn diagram. Because knowing it’s a Venn diagram really improves your nerd status… (Source: Greatwhitesnark.com)

So there.  You now have an answer for why I haven’t been keeping up with my blog.  I’ve been writing my ass off…trying to justify choices I was making in a freaking video game!  Dear lord…I’m addicted.  It’s liberating…makes me feel less guilty for setting a terrorist free (or for killing him on a second playthrough)…yikes.  But you know what the best thing about it is?  I get like ten to twenty times more visits than this blog does.  Amazing!  And people have been enjoying my work.  Validation…what can I say?  Very rewarding…  Yeah, so half of them are half my age…whatever.  At least they don’t like Twilight…

But I partially blame Ian.  A while back, he mentioned to me that he thought I should run a game…and that the Dragon Age universe would be the perfect place to do that.  I sort of liked the idea…and if you’ve been keeping up with Ian’s blog, you’ll know that we are now the proud owners of the Dragon Age Desktop Role Playing Game.  Yup.  Nerd.

So what am I going to do about all of this?  I’m thinking of starting FFA…you know…FanFictionolics Anonymous…

It’s important for me to want to help others suffering for our condition.  So I’ve come up with the all important twelve steps to recovery.

  1. Admit that you are powerless over the allure of being a fangirl/boy.  You cannot control it.  It is a disease.  Your life will be unmanageable.  Or at the very least, your legs might get a little too warm from having the laptop on them for so many hours.
  2. Believe in a higher power greater than yourself that can restore your sanity.  Your chosen fandom can set you free!
  3. Decide to turn your will and life over to the care of your beta reader.
  4. Make a fearless moral inventory of the stories you choose to read, write and recommend to others.
  5. Admit to yourself and others the nature of your addiction. ← As you can see, I’m on this step.
  6. Be ready to remove all defects of the characters you choose to read and write about.
  7. Humbly ask of your reviewers to help remove your shortcomings and spelling mistakes.
  8. Make a list of all the authors you have flamed, and become willing to make amends with all of them.
  9. Make amends to authors directly, except when said amends will probably result in further flaming.
  10. Continue to take personal inventory – especially when concerning smut fics – and promptly admit any errors in continuity.
  11. Seek through meditation and further exploration of stories, the fanfiction universe you have chosen to reside in, praying only for knowledge of canon and the power to write more than just angst.
  12. Have a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, and just come to the realization that there are worse addictions to have in life.  This one is just fine.

On second thought…these twelve steps are just going to perpetuate my addiction.  Oh well…at least the shameful secret’s out now…

Denied


As I was catching up on my blog reading yesterday, I noticed that my comments weren’t getting posted on blogs where I have definitely been successful at posting comments before.  I was advised that WordPress is having issues (I know…shocking…but I still love you WP!) with some people’s comments ending up in the spam folders.  So, thanks for that Oma!

This is my friendly reminder to WordPress users to double check your spam folder carefully.  Us poor suckers that have been typing away furiously to leave comments for our friends are getting pwned by a nasty spam filter at the moment.  Hopefully the people I’ve left comments for so far will noticed them before clicking the “delete all spam” button.

*pout*

Right…so…that is all.

Long Time Gone


I know…I SUCK at blogging.

I can’t seem to get a random thought out on to this spot on the web if my life depends on it these days.

Things have been pretty busy with life. Oh, and there was this little thing called Dragon Age II that was finally released and delivered to me. Yeah, Ian and I have been fighting over the PS3 again. So I haven’t been on my computer for blogging purposes much lately. So for that, I apologize. I have a couple of acceptance speeches that I need to prepare for awards I have been given. I also have just a couple of post ideas that I’d like to get working on as well.

So no…I have not yet gained the ability to defy gravity in order to float off into space. I’m still here…feet firmly on terra firma. I’m just…being terribly lazy at the moment.

Please forgive me.

I’ll be back soon…I promise…perhaps with a better excuse.