She’s Got Issues

It’s that time of year again.  Escape from Iqaluit for a vacation in southern Canada.

That means I get to see a lot of people whom I haven’t seen in a long time.  About a year, to be precise.

The last time most of said people saw me, they saw me after I had been losing some weight and trying to get healthy.  And since the last year hasn’t been particularly kind to me, things have changed for this visit.

I can see it in everyone’s expression as they lay eyes upon me for the first time in a year.

Wait…didn’t she…?

Wasn’t she…?

I thought she was smaller….?

And while trying to prevent their faces from screwing up into a weird mesh of disgust and surprise, they manage to let loose a gem like this:  “Suzanne, you look good!”

No.

No, I don’t.

So seriously…just stop.

I have gained back almost all of the weight that I lost last year.

So the subject is eventually broached and people start to wonder why it happened.  For everyone who I haven’t seen yet, here’s the story.  Remember how I broke my wrist back in November?  Well, it certainly threw off my workout schedule.  I didn’t want to go to the gym, because I was afraid to walk anywhere in the city for fear of finding another super patch of ice to fall and break something on.  I fell out of the gym routine and let’s face it…that was a miracle in itself that I actually managed to develop that routine in the first place.  It became difficult to keep up with the healthy eating in the winter:  Iqaluit barely has fresh produce that’s tasty in the summer, so the winter is next to impossible to find the kind of food to keep me happy.

And then…my mental state was not exactly peak either.  After another battle with depression in excess of a year, I started to wonder if I wasn’t actually dealing with a personality disorder.  After doing a lot of reading, I had begun to recognize patterns within myself that suggested I might fit into the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder.  That’s a scary thing to face.  And in Iqaluit, it can be difficult to find proper mental health care, so I because really nervous.

I began to hate myself.  Yeah, yeah…I know.  Who doesn’t hate themselves?  Seriously though.  Hatred.  Full on self loathing.  I’m not the kind of person to feel suicidal.  I don’t get those thoughts usually.  I sometimes consider what life would be like for people around me if I wasn’t around, but that is pretty much the extent of it.  And with the hatred I was feeling, I was to the point where I didn’t even feel like I was worthy of ending it all.  Yup.  That was my hidden life for a pretty long time.

I began to let my eating get reckless.  I ate for comfort.  I ate for boredom.  I ate because I hated myself so much, I just didn’t care.  As a diabetic, it’s not a particularly safe way to go about things.  But I didn’t care.  Some people drink.  Some people turn to drugs.  My path to self-destruction began at the grocery store.

With luck, I managed to find an amazing therapist in Iqaluit thanks to a recommendation from a friend and I have been seeing her since.  She has helped me learn to meditate and accept and recognize that it’s okay if I can’t solve my problems.  It’s okay to feel what I’m feeling.  It’s okay to let myself be myself.  To be honest, it’s been so long since I really understood who I was that it seemed like an insurmountable task to just be me.

But I’m getting there again.  I’m beginning to feel at peace with the woman I’ve become.  I’m getting there mentally.  I’m getting there emotionally.  And one day, I’ll be there physically too.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to be where I want to be in terms of weight.  I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get rid of that flab that I don’t necessarily feel like looking at.  I’ve never been a small girl.  I’ve always struggled with body image.  I know I’m lucky that I have a supportive partner in that regard.  Ian doesn’t really pressure me one way or another and it’s helpful.  I hope I inspired him last year with what I accomplished, because now I need that same inspiration to get myself back to a healthy lifestyle.

I recognize the amount of work that it’s going to take for me to maintain a healthier body and in being honest with myself, I’m not sure if I have the energy – mental or physical – to spare.  I will certainly try, but I also am trying to accept.  Whatever path I take, I am trying to accept that I am who I am…and that’s okay.

If that’s the only lesson I learn in this journey, at least it’s one of the good ones.

The Shape I’m In

I’ve been trying to write a post for a long time.  Putting pen to paper, figuratively speaking, has become an impossible task for me.

It probably doesn’t help that the topic of the post I’ve been trying to write has been my all-too-fragile mental state.  I find it easy to write anonymously on the internet.  But this wouldn’t have been anonymous.  This would have been akin to an expose, I suppose.  Well, that might be a little melodramatic.  I don’t tend to have a reference point these days for that sort of thing.

The point is that writing in general has been extremely difficult for me lately.  And my writing this now is not necessarily because things have changed; it’s more that someone else has written a really great account of far too many of the things I’ve been going through.  Rather than re-inventing the wheel at this point, I figured I would just link to the post.

Will I eventually write the post I’ve been meaning to write?

Yes.

Maybe.

I don’t know.

Until then, I think you should go read Allie’s posts on depression.  The first one…and the second.  It doesn’t matter if you don’t have depression.  Chances are, there is someone you know that does.  And that someone is also probably pretty good at hiding that fact.  And if they do open up to you, trust me…they don’t want to hear “Cheer up”, “this too shall pass” or any other contrived bullshit that people tend to come up with when they don’t know how to respond to what’s in front of them.  Not everyone who has depression can point to a singular cause or event that led them to feel the way they do.  Not everyone with depression will ever be able to just snap out of it and feel better.

Anyway, before I end up actually writing a really poorly written version of what I’ve been trying to write, just go and read the posts.

And I’ll just go back to dealing with life the best way I know how to – at least until that shrivelled up piece of corn appears.

A Moment of Clarity

The end of 2012 is finally here.  I haven’t been active on the blog, so many of you aren’t aware of this year’s challenges.  Here’s a summary of the biggies:

• fractured three toes in February
• depression’s back in May
• car problems in July – fun because it was during my vacation /sarcasm
• ketoacidosis at the end of August, hospitalized for a week – Happy Birthday to me!
• audited by Canada Revenue Service – apparently I don’t live in the arctic
• stuck in DC during Hurricane Sandy – not terrible, but did miss my second chance to get to Banff
• returned to Iqaluit just in time to fall and break my wrist
• not to mention that I’ve been sick off and on all year

Anyhow, I’m not here to complain.  I’m here to say my goodbyes to 2012.  It’s been swell.  Good riddance; don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

Now, most of you know I don’t do resolutions.  But I do want to make a point of discussing my hopes for the year.  I’ve got to get ready for the end of the world year party I’ll be attending in a few hours, so I’ll make it quick.

1. Writing.  There was a good four-month period last year where most of my free time was consumed with writing.  Most of you haven’t read that stuff, and I’m completely fine with that.  But it kept me sane and it introduced me to some fantastic people in the process.  I want to get back to more writing.  I need to do it.  Some people have said that I’m good at it.  Frankly, I like to do things that I’m good at.  So I hope to feel more inspired to keep it up.
2. Healthy living.  Before breaking my wrist at the beginning of November, I was eating healthier and exercising more.  From about March until October, I had lost about forty pounds.  That’s pretty amazing for me.  But since the accident, I haven’t been diligent about any of it.  I’d say I’ve fallen off the wagon, but that would require a lot of walking to keep up; getting on the wagon seems more conducive to a lazy lifestyle, doesn’t it?  I’ve all but stopped going to the gym and it’s tough for me to prepare what I’m wanting to eat with this gimpy wrist of mine.  But since my wrist is getting stronger, that’s going to change.  I’ve recently become a board member for Atii Fitness (the gym I’ve been a member of for over a year), and that means I also plan to get back on track with my exercising.  And I plan to continue with that healthy lifestyle.
3. Travel.  I got a taste of travel this year, and I’d like to do more of it.  I’m a geographer, for crying out loud.  I need to see more of the world.  There are inexpensive ways to do it – I just need to find out what they are.
4. Balance.  Sometimes I get a little too focused on others.  Sometimes I get a little too focused on myself.  This year, I desire balance.
5. No broken bones or hospital visits.  Self explanatory.
6. Oh, and maybe a tattoo.  😉  But we’ll see.

Thanks for coming back to this blog on the rare occasions where I see fit to grace its presence with a post.  I appreciate hearing from my blends and blikes even if it doesn’t seem like it.  I miss you guys…maybe that writing bug will bring me back here, huh?

Happy New Year everyone.  Let’s hope 2013 is a good year for everyone!

It’s a new day! Sunrise over Kimmirut, Nunavut, October 2012.

Closer to Fine

Goals.  Accomplishments.

You know what I’m talking about. It’s the shit that your high school counsellor told you about.

That you should come up with a list of things you want to accomplish in life and use it to frame how you live.

Yeah. Whatever.

To me, goals sometimes equal unattainable dreams. Not always…and not for everyone. But let’s face it. There are certain goals that you set for yourself that may not always be realistic.

That said, today I reached a goal.

I have lost ten percent of my body weight since February. I hadn’t been actively pursuing it until somewhere around April, but now that I am, it feels good to have achieved such a feat. I am not a small woman. I have never been a small girl. I have a large frame, and confirmed that I just look terrible at certain weights – weights that the whole BMI thing recommends that I should be. BMI can only take you so far. Common sense needs to take you the rest of the way. Regardless…for someone like me who has struggled with maintaining a healthy weight for almost all of my adult life, twenty-one pounds is a hell of an accomplishment.

But aside from weight and all that junk, I feel healthier. I don’t hesitate to scurry up the stairs to my 4th floor apartment like I used to. I’m at the gym two to three times a week. I’m now craving fruit more often than candy (not that I didn’t crave fruit before…and not that I don’t still crave candy). It takes time for these changes to happen. A friend once told me that it takes 28 days to make a habit and 28 days to break a habit. I’m seeing the results of that statement now.

I’m not trying to define my life by how much I weigh…or what I look like.  It’s more important to me that I feel good about myself.  And I haven’t…not for awhile.  For various reasons.  But this is starting to help.  It’s not that I’ve lost weight…it’s that I’m set myself a goal.  It’s that I’m accomplished something.  It’s that I’ve actually stuck to something.  Sometimes it’s these small victories that we need to latch on to in order to get through the day.

I realize it’s been some time since I last wrote anything on this blog.  I’m hoping to change that.  I’ve missed all of you guys out there…all my blends!  But let’s face it…sometimes routine is a killer.

I can’t promise you I’m back…but I promise you that I’m still alive and thinking about you guys…

It Ain’t Me, Babe

I keep getting e-mails from WordPress.

You’ve got new a new blog follower, Suzanne.  Wouldn’t you like to welcome them?

Yes, WordPress.  I would like to do that.  But I seem to have a severe case of “I don’t know what the $#@% to write about.

And also, I really don’t think I’m the person they’re looking for.  It’s not me.  They’re looking for someone else.

But, but there’s another new follower, Suzanne.  You should probably say something.

Really?  I mean, I really don’t know what to talk about.  There’s lots of stuff going on in my life, but hmm…is any of it really noteworthy?  I mean, I suppose some of my readers don’t know that my laptop died awhile back.  And it was just really frustrating writing on my desktop as it sits on a high microwave cart.  But luckily I just recently got a new laptop.

Course, I also got Skyrim, so there goes any motivation to do any writing.  There’s dragons falling out of the sky on my character to fight.  I don’t have time to write anything on my blog.

But Suzanne, you have yet another follower.  I really think you should do something about this.

Sigh.

Yes.  Yes, I should.

And one more thing, Suzanne.  You have received an award from a fellow blogger.  Perhaps you should consider thanking him.  And accepting the award.

Yes, I know I should.  And I will.

But for now, I will take a moment to say thanks to my new subscribers.  And thanks to my old subscribers.  And thanks for the award.  And perhaps I should take yet another four month hiatus to see what else will come my way…?

No.  No no, I promise that I will be back writing again.  After all…New Year’s resolution time is coming up.  What better resolution to break make than to write more blog posts?